"Even if." Two small words. One big God. That first year after my dad passed away was filled with so much pain as I wrestled with God. I knew He could have saved my dad. To be honest, I was expecting him to. I saw Him do miracle after miracle in the hospital and nursing facilities. I felt like he parted the Red Sea and moved mountains. At the time, I was preparing for him to get better. To live life with us. To be Paw Paw to my baby girl. Looking back, I see how God was preparing me... for his departure.
Mercy Me had just come out with a song called Even If. My best friend called and asked if I had heard it yet. I was washing dishes one morning when it came on the radio. I walked in the living room with wet soapy hands. As I listened to the words; I dropped to my knees. It became my song.
"I know you're able and I know you can. Save through the fire with your mighty hand. But even if you don't; my hope is you alone. I know the sorrow and I know the hurt, would all go away if you just say the word. But even if you don't. My hope is you alone."
I played this song over and over last February. Something about it, the truth in the words wrapped around my bleeding heart. I knew the truth in my head... but my heart was another matter. What good is any head knowledge if the heart does not believe? I wanted to move forward and to live again. Yet when the head and heart are at war, you don't move forward. You become immobile. Stuck in a pit of despair. Drowning in a sea of "why's and what if's."
Each time I played the song, the truth behind the words sunk deeper and deeper. The lies were there as well. I had allowed them to camp out there for sometime at the forefront of my mind. I tried to ignore them, but they did not ignore me. Those lies haunted me at night as I slept and during the day as I attempted to put one foot in front of the other. Over and over again I would try to make things right, but I couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix my Dad and I couldn't fix my heart. I failed every time.
My head knew the right answers. Dad was in a better place. No more suffering. No more pain. Yet, my heart was sick and was yearning for peace. I curled up that night with my computer and my bible. I read the words in Isaiah, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." I read the words as I listened to the song. I played it over and over and over. The lies didn't flee the first or second or third time I heard the song. The words had not been given a chance to take root. But, the more I heard the song, and read the verse, and whispered the words, the more the words began to penetrate my heart.
These words were fresh water streams and they were making their way into my wilderness where I had been wondering around aimlessly for months. The shift began to take place.
I began to remember His goodness to me all of my days. I chose to believe in His faithfulness even if things didn't go the way I had carefully orchestrated them to go in my mind. I experienced His steadfast love even when I went astray.
The battle was long; but it didn't have to be. I had a choice to make. I could complain or be grateful. I could hang on to the hurt or give it to Him. I could remain stuck in an endless cycle of trying to "fix it" or be set free. But, even if I choose poorly, He still remains faithful.
The choice of letting go presents itself to be hard because of one four letter word. FEAR. I felt that in letting go of the pain that I was letting go of my dad. What. A. Lie. Do you know what the opposite of fear is? It's love. And God's Word says that perfect love drives out fear. It's only hard until we surrender. When we let go and lift our hands in surrender, we meet a new friend. That friend is Freedom. He comes in and breaks every chain. He unlocks the door to the cage. He sets you free so that you can say, "It is well, with me."
I pray that if you are in a wilderness of your own, that you will know today...you are not alone. You are loved by a beautiful Creator. You are His masterpiece. I pray you choose joy, my friend.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y
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